Half an hour later Jesper's pulse no longer exceeded 200 beats per
minute, and he had overcome the worst of his emotional and
psychical pain, caused by Darren's biker-haunt. The thoughts
in Jesper's head were no longer just restricted to
'God, I'm going to die!', 'Oh no! They will kill me!' and
'Please, don't throw me again!'.
He was now actually thinking of what he should do next:
"My picture is all over town, and only God knows how
many persons that are after my life. Darren is my only protection.....
Oh, no!!"
Jesper's pulse again exceeded 200, but eventually he
managed to calm down and continued to think:
"The police is after me, and are trying to send me to prison for life.
And there is Olivia...."
Jesper had a feeling that he was just a little too much wanted, and
that it maybe was time to move on to another place. He
had no money to a conventional means of transport,
but realized that he might could use an unconventional one.
So, he walked to his favorite camel, Clementine, and
managed to convinced her about the advantages of leaving the town.
Jesper jumped up on Clementine's back, and they walked away into
the forest.
In the forest a moose-bull laid eyes on Clementine.
He stared at her and thought:
"Oh, moose! What a cow! What curves! What a figure!
That is what I call a perfect female body."
Since it was moose-haunt season, and a potential moose-hunter
(Jesper) traveled with the curved lady the bull didn't approach
Clementine and started bragging about his new 4.500.000 square meters
territory, with running water and oak trees.
Instead he just stood still and admired Clementine's perfect
female swaying walk, and driveled.
Clementine had walked for about 10 km when she suddenly stopped
at a big hole in the ground and looked down.
In the hole was a big circular metallic thing, and up from the hole
came a green strange looking creature. Jesper recognized the
creature. It was one of the aliens that had given him their
Special Diet Home Brew Drink. The creature was, by the way,
drinking some strange stuff at that precise moment.
He looked, as mentioned for a few sentences ago, very strange.
Most of his body parts seemed to have totally miss matching
proportions. The reason why he was green and strange looking was
the stuff he drank. If he hadn't drunken it, he would have looked
almost like a normal human being
.
But if he looked like that, nobody on earth would believe
that he was a genuine alien, instead they would put him in a
mental hospital for anabolic users or something similar.
To avoid that (and the good taste and
low calorie content) was the reason
why the aliens drank their drink.
Just to remind you all readers with bad memory, the little green
men understood English,
but couldn't speak it due to the shape of their
mouths. Instead, with the speed of a trained stenographer, the little
green man wrote a message for Jesper:
'Don't ask us why, but we desperately need a toaster made before
1966 and an used remote control to a BETA video. But if you
don't have that we can settle with a 500W micro wave oven, a blue
electric tooth-brush, and a flying saucer reparation kit.
We would also like to get a few cubic meters of anti-matter, and a
second cup of tea. We will pay you in diamonds, gold and used socks.'
Jesper read the text carefully and frowned in thoughts:
'The video he had, that no rented tapes fitted, wasn't that a BETA?'
He remembered when he had bought it,
and how the sales man,
had promised him "on his mother's grave" that everyone
knew that BETA was the future, and
the fact that the video store only had a few, and used,
BETA but lot's of VHS was only because BETA was so popular.
And the toaster that he had inherited from his old grandpa definitely
looked like early 20th century. Non of these objects was absolutely
vital for his survivor, and he could as well trade them for some
used socks, or why not diamonds.
He looked at the little green alien, who seemed nervously anxious for
a positive reply, and said:
"Follow me home greenie, and your wishes will be reality!"
The two aliens looked overjoyed, and jumped up on Clementine. The each
sat down on a hump, one in front of Jesper and one behind. Jesper
pointed majestically to the south-west and said with a secure voice:
"Go in this direction Clementine, and you will find my home!"
Clementine, who never had been that impressed by Jesper's mental
capacity, was a bit skeptic that Jesper's pointing finger actually
were pointing in the same direction as he said, but she followed it
anyway. What Clementine didn't know was that Jesper had a brain
that was almost identical to the brain of a pigeon.
Not only did they have similar IQ, but both their brains also had a
homing device, that gave them the ability to find their way home,
without knowing how. Jesper had never used logical thinking to find
his way home, he just always knew, exactly like a carrier
pigeon. Medical science couldn't even eliminate the possibility
that Jesper in some weird way originated not only from the apes, but
also from the birds.
While you just been have reading about Jesper's
strange brain and starting to forget why,
poor Clementine had walked all the
way to Jesper's house. Outside the house was a parked pink
Cadillac, and a furious woman. The woman walked forward to
Clementine without looking the least surprised of the
peculiar equipage in front of her. She looked at Jesper and said:
"Is this how you treat your old poor mother? I phoned you yesterday,
so you knew that I was coming to visit you. But when I came you
wasn't even home! I demand an explanation, and it better be
a good one, because I'm furious at you, you son of a bitch!"
Unfortunately Jesper didn't realize the golden opportunity he had
to give a killing reply to his mother's last four words.
Instead he replied:
"Well, Yesterday when I went away to get some dragon-blood to remove
the trunk I got for drinking an extra terrestrial drink,
I was kidnaped and brought to the desert. Later I was
arrested by the police, put in jail, taken by evil killers,
I was then wanted dead or alive,
chased by Hell's Angels, and tortured by
a dragon. Also a witch was after me."
"Trifles! I am more important. I am your only mother,
for Heaven's sake.
"Yes, ma. I know, I am sorry."
"Well, are you just letting me stand here and decompose, or are you
letting me into your pitiable home."
Jesper jumped down from Clementine, and run to his front door,
and opened it. The long ride home had made Jesper very thirsty.
So, while the other climbed into his apartment,
he run away to the refrigerator to look for something to drink.
He looked inside, and saw that the only content was a package of milk.
Like any bachelor with self respect, he never used a glass when
he drank the milk. Just before he filled his mouth with the white
liquid he read a few sentences that got stuck in his head:
"Amazing! Recipes for the Christmas baking, already in July.
They were extremely early this year, unless...."
With a leap, only before achieved by a
cheetah chasing after an antelope,
Jesper threw himself to the sink, and spited out the substance in
this mouth that formally was known as milk.
He then felt that someone was dragging
him in his pants. It was one of the aliens. He looked very impatient.
Jesper suddenly remembered that he had promised
the aliens a few things.
So, he brought them the remote control, and the antique toaster, even
though this mouth still tasted like fermented herring smells.
He gave the items to one of the aliens. The alien looked very nervous.
With a shaking hand he took the remote control and pushed it into
one of the rectangular holes in the toaster. It fitted like a glove.
The aliens became ecstatic, and started to jump up and down, and
danced around Jesper. They then shook his hand, and gave him gold and
diamonds, and ran away making triumphant sounds with their mouths.
Even if Jesper was a little disappointed that he didn't get the
used socks that he was promised he yelled 'Thank you' after the
happy little green men.
Jesper's mother looked at her watch and said:
"It is after seven o'clock my boy. The sandman, who I just spoke
to, asked me to tell you that it was time for you to go to bed."
Jesper didn't like it when his mother treated him like a five year
old, but he actually preferred that to her normal treatment.
And besides, he was dead tired. He was already dressed for bed.
He had been so all day, after the rather unexpected start of the
day. He was so tired that he didn't even have the strength to write
in his diary, or to brush his teeth, even if the latter would have
meant a huge improvement for the taste in his mouth. He walked to his
bed, threw himself into it, and was asleep before he landed.
by Patrik Norqvist